A while ago I started a blog that brought me so much anxiety that I stopped writing and didn’t know if I would ever be able to get back to it. What I had started HAD to be finished because God prompted me to write this story and it was THE ONLY thing God placed within me to get out.

Now a few weeks later I’m able to get back to writing with the confidence to get my story out and pray that it helps at least one.

So here goes nothing…

“I’M GOING TO HAVE TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM BEFORE I REALIZE I CANNOT DO IT WITHOUT HIM”.

Over the last few days I have been on the fence with regards to what to write about.  Of course I had several ideas but nothing solid, except, this one story.  Which is more or less MY TESTIMONY.

Of course, when it comes to writing about ourselves there is a fear that is associated with it (well I can only speak for myself) but I have to remind myself  of 2 Timothy 1:7.  

Scripture proceeds on to say “never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord…”, 2 Timothy 1:8.

So with that being said here is my story which truly only goes back about 6 months but for me, IT CHANGED MY WORLD.

Around October or November of 2015 I was coming out of a bad “relationship” (that a whole other story in itself) that left me drained mentally and emotionally.  At this time all I knew is I had to get out of it and I had to get out NOW.  I felt that if I did not I would lose everything I worked hard to obtain and not just materialistic or monetary items.

I was out of the relationship but still trapped by the situation because I still had that strong hold over me.  So I would go to my friend house and she would have her gospel blaring and she would watch various sermons on TV, mainly Joyce Meyers.  We then started watching various Biblical movies on a daily basis.  She basically re-introduced me to my Father in which I was trying to become re-acquianted with but also run away from.  I wasn’t completely ready to face Him yet but oh did He have plans for me.

As I sat on her couch one day I said to her, “God is going to make me hit rock bottom before I realize I cannot live this life without Him”.  Let’s just say I WAS RIGHT!

Into my life comes someone who I knew was trouble from the beginning because he did not believe in Jesus Christ but I ignored that because I thought he was a cool person outside of that, never ignore the voice within, the Spirit tries to warn us but if we are unaware of who He is you won’t pay attention. Though you may not know where this feeling or voice is coming from there is a reason you are hearing it.

Now just a little background about me before I get to the next part.  For years I had been a selfish person but over the last 10 years I learned to be more caring, compassionate, and willing to help.  So with that being said, I have grown to have a caring heart and is willing to go out of my way to help anyone who has an issue or problem. I think having kids and being around different people and seeing different things softened me and changed my point of view on helping.

So with regards to this person, we were hanging out quite frequently and nothing more than that.  However one day he came to me with a story that touched my heart and my heart felt sorrow and compassion for his situation.  Not to mention it was around Christmas so I truly felt bad for him so I wanted to help.

Against my initial thoughts I did what he was asking me to do AFTER being told by the one bank that if everything does not go right I will owe the bank the monies back; not hundreds but thousands.  After this I had a conversation with him and said “if this is not a good check please say that now, don’t mess me over because I have 2 kids and A LOT of responsibility”.  He gave me his word that everything is good and I have nothing to worry about, he would never do that to someone.  So we went to another bank and deposited the check.  It then cleared and I proceeded to give him the money because it was his (so I thought).

A few days later I checked my account and I was in the negative by thousands.  I was distraught to say the least and he conveniently disappeared.  I did not know what to do I was so hurt, mad at him but EVEN madder at myself.  I was completely upset with myself for not paying attention to my gut, for opening myself up to even allow that to happen to me, and because I KNOW I am generally smarter than that.

I went to the bank and I went to the police; yet the bank could not do anything and neither could the Rochester police.  So I went out to Gates where it actually happened and the Gates police put together a report for me.  However it is now the end of April and they still have no results, smh.  However back to the story….

So that week was one of the worse of my life to the point where I had to have my mom come stay with me a couple of days.  I had a couple of panic attacks because I was such a worrier already and this had pushed me over.  I was so mad at myself and beat myself up minute by minute, hour by hour.  I was so upset and mad and then on top of that everything I had thought I paid was coming back to me as NSF.  Bills were piling up, bank debt adding up, and no money to pay it.  I felt hopeless like I was living in a nightmare.  I had HIT THAT ROCK BOTTOM I HAD SPOKE ABOUT a month or so before.  Nothing like this has ever happened to me and I did not know what to do.

I felt alone, abandoned, hurt, disappointed, and just completely crushed with everything going on.  Not only did I have these issues going on I felt like those closest to me had disappeared.  But in all actuality, I didn’t open up really to them about what was going on (except one and that was very limited).  They had no clue I was slipping into depression mode.  They just knew that Toya didn’t “have time” to see us.  But they did not know I was in the house sulking in my own misery.  I had no one to go to for help and with nowhere to turn, so I WENT TO CHURCH with the encouragement of my friend!

That Sunday, January 10, 2016, I walked into Faith Temple broken, completely broken.  Not because of the money but because how can I (of all people) allow this to happen.  Crushed at my inability to see what was right in front of my face.  Generally I can and usually do but I was blinded.

As praise and worship was going on the tears started flowing.  Pastor Rob and choir sang some songs that broke the barriers that I had up and the tears were flowing.  I was hurting; hurting beyond belief.  Completely disappointed and mad at myself for allowing myself to get into this situation.

As service proceeded the tears kept flowing and flowing. Then came time for the Alter Call. Not wanting to go up in front of everyone in the church I stood in my place crying and feeling like I should be up there but could not move.  But my friend said we can go to Pastor Darla once service is over and she will pray for you.  I didn’t think she would speak to me at the end of service; why would she I thought, I’m not a member of the church.  But my friend walked me up there and introduced me to her and to my surprise Pastor Darla was so kind and sweet.  Her smile was warming and inviting.  So I broke down again and she asked if I was saved.  I told her yes but it was so long ago and I backslid.  She then proceeded to say the prayer of Salvation with me and then she prayed for me.  She hugged me and I felt a weight come off of me but the tears were still flowing.  Pastor Darla then took me over to Mrs. Cheryl.  Mrs. Cheryl took my information down and spoke with me for a little while and then proceeded to give me her number to call if I ever need to talk. Mrs. Cheryl and Pastor Darla don’t know this but THEY  TRULY HELPED ME THAT DAY.  Of course I didn’t see it then but now I know that they were being used by God to lead me down a path focused on HIM.

I cannot quite remember what I did after church that day but I know I read the pamphlets in which I received from the church and the book of John over the next few days.  Mrs. Cheryl checked on me throughout the week to make sure I was reading and to her surprise I was just about done with John.  I am not sure if she informed me of the Catechism class or someone else at the church but I was told about the class. It was going in on its second week but they allowed me to join late.  And of course since I was penniless I had no money to cover it but they allowed me to pay in installments, in which I did.

I jumped into church and learning all I could about God HEAD FIRST. Only He could save me from me and what I was feeling.  So I started reading my Bible.  I was going to my Catechism class then service right after.  I was gaining so much information and craved for more.  So I continued to read, continued to study, started praying consistently, and then wanted to help others but in a way pleasing to God.  Which is why I started this blog. Writing helped me because I allowed God to use me and speak through me.  I stopped focusing on me and my situation and began to FOCUS: FAITH Over Cultural and Universal Strong-holds.  I continuously prayed and cried out to the Lord with regards to me and my situations but I stopped allowing this to be a burden for me and I sought Him out more and more.  To the point where people started asking me to pray for them or meet with them to talk about church and God.

I am a work in progress BUT I can say my life is FOREVER CHANGED.  I let go of habits in which I know were hindering me from growing in my walk.  I changed what I was allowing into my spirit (musically and visually). I am now allowing my life to show my beliefs.  I tithe faithfully (I used to have a problem with this).  I teach my kids about the Lord and all of His Greatness and Mercy.  I have PEACE with my situation and truly FEEL and KNOW I could not have gotten through this without GOD leading, guiding, and loving me.  He has carried me through it all.

He has drawn not only me to HIS righteousness but my son, mom, and more recently my daughter. Through me I hope he continue to show HIS greatness and others realize that HE IS ALL YOU NEED.  Nothing of this world can be as FULFILLING as HIM.

So now, April 25, I can honestly say I have the PEACE, FREEDOM, and CONFIDENCE to share my story.  God has truly blessed me.  I no longer owe the bank, I am caught up with every bill I have that was behind due to this unfortunate event, and my accounts are in a SURPLUS! God has truly blessed me.  And I am NEVER going back to the wickedness of the world or changing who God is transforming me to be.  My heart is kinder but my discernment is WAY up, my ways have and continue to be changed according to His doctrine, my words are kinder but I am still being worked on here (I am learning to speak facts with the LOVE of God behind them), my love has increased for not only myself but others I encounter, and I have forgiven the person who did this (but one thing for sure is I will never forget).  GOD TRULY SAVED ME FROM ME!

My Message to those reading: Don’t wait until everything is crumbling before you give yourself over to the LORD.  He LOVES you and only wants to guide you and lead you to the way of FREEDOM, PEACE, and LOVE.  He will forgive you for whatever you may have done in the past so there is no need to wait until you stop doing this or that.

If he draws you near to Jesus and you believe sincerely in your heart that Jesus died for our sins and you then confess your sins to Him and ask for forgiveness, He will forgive you. God is a God of Mercy and Grace.  HE LOVES YOU!

If He can do it for me He can do it for you too.

~ Livingwithpurpose720