I’m Addicted

I’m addicted to your sweet aroma

I’m addicted to the sense of peace I feel when you and I connect

I’m addicted to your taste (though it’s not the most pleasant)

I’m addicted to what I thought made me cool

Until I realized, my addiction made me look like a fool

Every time I’m in your presence and take in your sweet aroma, you give me a piercing headache

The shame I felt around others, the paranoia and racing thoughts, the fear of this shameful secret getting out

I became the face of ignorance, why would I bring myself so much pain

Because, I WAS ADDICTED

Addicted to the person you brought forth. One without any inhibitions and not afraid to speak her mind

I depended on you for the boldness within to come sprinting out but in all actuality all I needed was GOD

If anything you were hindering me. Blocking my blessings and way

Preventing me from reaching new levels within my spiritual walk

I had to divorce you…you were not helping me but hindering and hurting me

Keeping me from seeing the true Light of this world

I WAS ADDICTED

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.”

~ Psalms‬ ‭51:10-12‬ ‭KJV‬‬

One night I sat on the couch and wrote this out. Feeling ashamed of my life at that time. Unhappy with the person I saw in the mirror but knew something had to change.

Whenever I started to feel like my life was becoming more than I could bear I always went to my safe place. A place where I knew there was love and food to devour. You may be thinking a family members’ house for dinner or some sort of restaurant. No, not at all. My food came from the House of God. My spiritual nourishment and direction. I was missing my daily bread and feedings because I had turned my back on the one person who would never leave nor forsake me, GOD!

It’s crazy because it is so true what they say about when you turn your back on God. He will give you the room and space to make your own choices and you will start to build separation between the Holy Spirit and yourself.

I was there in that space trying to figure out how I got so far off of my path. I allowed the influences of this world to seep into the cracks of my life until I was completely broken. Something had to change….

I found myself back at church. Initially because I needed the spiritual nourishment in which the Word and Message offered. But then it turned into me feeling like my mom needed the spiritual nourishment, so I went out of obligation to her and wanting her to receive the Word of God.

But then something happen…the Spirit kept speaking to me and drawing me back to Him. My heart, filled with pain and sorrow, started to RECEIVE the love only He can provide. I started to cast all of my hurt, worry, and anxiety onto Him. I began praying more, worshiping more, writing to Him more, and talking with Him more. I began trusting and believing in Him more. I became more vulnerable to Him.

I am still on this journey with Him but I can say that EVERYDAY I fall more in love with the One true love of my life and heart. He is healing me from the inside out. And for this, I’m thankful for the addiction or shall I say addictions of my life. They pushed me closer to the LOVE OF MY LIFE which enabled me to let go of the addictions and focus more on Him and His Devine plan for this life in which I am living.

To God be the Glory!

”And I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.”

~ Jeremiah‬ ‭24:7‬‬

~ Livingwithpurpose720

August 16, 2018 0

Forgive And Be FORGIVEN

When you read and speak of the word FORGIVE do you have true understanding of it? Have you researched it and gained TRUE knowledge of what it means to FORGIVE? Or, do you have surface level understanding and never truly gathered what it means to really and truly FORGIVE so you can be FORGIVEN.

To stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong): to stop blaming (someone)
To stop feeling anger about (something): to forgive someone for (something wrong)
To stop requiring payment of (money that is owed)

The word “forgive” comes from an old English word forgiefan, which is itself made up of two words: giefan, meaning “give” and for-, meaning “completely”. So the word forgiefan conveys the sense of GIVING COMPLETELY.
~ “The Origin and Meaning of Forgiveness.” Andrew Pinsent –. Web. 24 May 2016.

Before converting over and giving my life to the Lord I was already a person who forgave others for the wrong they have done to me. Even some of the most unforgivable things I forgave. I forgave because I always believed that if something was to happen to that person or myself I do not want things to be left unresolved. I still believe this and feel this way BUT now it is a little more, well a lot more, added to it.

People always ask me how can you forgive this person for what they have done and then they proceed to say (or think to themselves) “if it was me, I couldn’t do it”. Well let’s just say it was and continues to be hard but it takes a lot of humbling of self and a lot of PRAYER. Me personally I do not like to hold grudges because that grudge carries a lot of weight and at this point in my life I definitely do not want the extra weight or stress so I choose to forgive.

However, as I continue to grow in my faith I am learning more and more it is definitely better to forgive and COMPLETELY forgive for my own souls’ sake. In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus is teaching about prayer and fasting and he states: “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins” (NLT). That right there is enough for me being that I wish to be forgiven by my Father however I also wish to be obedient to Him.

What Jesus is saying (from my understanding) is to completely and wholeheartedly forgive those who wronged you because our Father completely forgives us for our wrong doing. All of us were born with sin in our heart because of Adam but Jesus came to right Adam’s wrong and ONLY through the blood of Jesus are we forgiven. Jesus was the ULTIMATE sacrifice so why do we as mankind feel that we do not have to forgive others when everyday God forgives one for their transgressions and sin.

Some may say, “Yes I forgave this person yet they continue to do the same thing, should I continue to just forgive them over and over again?” Me personally I try not to allow that person to do the same thing over and over again to me because I do not put them in the predicament where they can. However, Jesus told Peter in Matthew 18:22 that he should “No, not forgive seven times…but seventy times seven”. Meaning stop counting how many times you should forgive but forgive as many times as they come to you with a true and repenting heart.

We as humans do not really know when a person is truly and utterly apologetic for their wrong doing against you BUT where’s the problem in giving them the benefit of doubt. I know that in my circumstances with the person who did me completely wrong, though it was extremely hard, I forgave him. I forgave him because:

I couldn’t carry that burden any longer (Psalm 55:22)
Who am I to not forgive when I have done so much wrong yet my Father has forgiven me over and over again (Luke 6:37)
The Bible says: “…Love your enemies!” (Matthew 5:44) and “Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses” (Proverbs 10:12).

So I say to those who are reading this: humble yourself to forgive those who may have hurt you. Forgive them completely not because you want to make it into heaven but because at the end of the day WE ARE ALL SINNERS and if you have given your life to the Lord, He has forgiven you. He loves us and only want the best for his children. We were created in HIS image so why not do as He would do, COMPLETELY FORGIVE. Then Let Go and Let God! He can handle it but you have to TRUST Him.

~ Livingwithpurpose720

May 25, 2016 3

Rock Bottom…BUT, He Saved Me!

A while ago I started a blog that brought me so much anxiety that I stopped writing and didn’t know if I would ever be able to get back to it. What I had started HAD to be finished because God prompted me to write this story and it was THE ONLY thing God placed within me to get out.

Now a few weeks later I’m able to get back to writing with the confidence to get my story out and pray that it helps at least one.

So here goes nothing…

“I’M GOING TO HAVE TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM BEFORE I REALIZE I CANNOT DO IT WITHOUT HIM”.

Over the last few days I have been on the fence with regards to what to write about. Of course I had several ideas but nothing solid, except, this one story. Which is more or less MY TESTIMONY.

Of course, when it comes to writing about ourselves there is a fear that is associated with it (well I can only speak for myself) but I have to remind myself of 2 Timothy 1:7.

Scripture proceeds on to say “never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord…”, 2 Timothy 1:8.

So with that being said here is my story which truly only goes back about 6 months but for me, IT CHANGED MY WORLD.

Around October or November of 2015 I was coming out of a bad “relationship” (that a whole other story in itself) that left me drained mentally and emotionally. At this time all I knew is I had to get out of it and I had to get out NOW. I felt that if I did not I would lose everything I worked hard to obtain and not just materialistic or monetary items.

I was out of the relationship but still trapped by the situation because I still had that strong hold over me. So I would go to my friend house and she would have her gospel blaring and she would watch various sermons on TV, mainly Joyce Meyers. We then started watching various Biblical movies on a daily basis. She basically re-introduced me to my Father in which I was trying to become re-acquianted with but also run away from. I wasn’t completely ready to face Him yet but oh did He have plans for me.

As I sat on her couch one day I said to her, “God is going to make me hit rock bottom before I realize I cannot live this life without Him”. Let’s just say I WAS RIGHT!

Into my life comes someone who I knew was trouble from the beginning because he did not believe in Jesus Christ but I ignored that because I thought he was a cool person outside of that, never ignore the voice within, the Spirit tries to warn us but if we are unaware of who He is you won’t pay attention. Though you may not know where this feeling or voice is coming from there is a reason you are hearing it.

Now just a little background about me before I get to the next part. For years I had been a selfish person but over the last 10 years I learned to be more caring, compassionate, and willing to help. So with that being said, I have grown to have a caring heart and is willing to go out of my way to help anyone who has an issue or problem. I think having kids and being around different people and seeing different things softened me and changed my point of view on helping.

So with regards to this person, we were hanging out quite frequently and nothing more than that. However one day he came to me with a story that touched my heart and my heart felt sorrow and compassion for his situation. Not to mention it was around Christmas so I truly felt bad for him so I wanted to help.

Against my initial thoughts I did what he was asking me to do AFTER being told by the one bank that if everything does not go right I will owe the bank the monies back; not hundreds but thousands. After this I had a conversation with him and said “if this is not a good check please say that now, don’t mess me over because I have 2 kids and A LOT of responsibility”. He gave me his word that everything is good and I have nothing to worry about, he would never do that to someone. So we went to another bank and deposited the check. It then cleared and I proceeded to give him the money because it was his (so I thought).

A few days later I checked my account and I was in the negative by thousands. I was distraught to say the least and he conveniently disappeared. I did not know what to do I was so hurt, mad at him but EVEN madder at myself. I was completely upset with myself for not paying attention to my gut, for opening myself up to even allow that to happen to me, and because I KNOW I am generally smarter than that.

I went to the bank and I went to the police; yet the bank could not do anything and neither could the Rochester police. So I went out to Gates where it actually happened and the Gates police put together a report for me. However it is now the end of April and they still have no results, smh. However back to the story….

So that week was one of the worse of my life to the point where I had to have my mom come stay with me a couple of days. I had a couple of panic attacks because I was such a worrier already and this had pushed me over. I was so mad at myself and beat myself up minute by minute, hour by hour. I was so upset and mad and then on top of that everything I had thought I paid was coming back to me as NSF. Bills were piling up, bank debt adding up, and no money to pay it. I felt hopeless like I was living in a nightmare. I had HIT THAT ROCK BOTTOM I HAD SPOKE ABOUT a month or so before. Nothing like this has ever happened to me and I did not know what to do.

I felt alone, abandoned, hurt, disappointed, and just completely crushed with everything going on. Not only did I have these issues going on I felt like those closest to me had disappeared. But in all actuality, I didn’t open up really to them about what was going on (except one and that was very limited). They had no clue I was slipping into depression mode. They just knew that Toya didn’t “have time” to see us. But they did not know I was in the house sulking in my own misery. I had no one to go to for help and with nowhere to turn, so I WENT TO CHURCH with the encouragement of my friend!

That Sunday, January 10, 2016, I walked into Faith Temple broken, completely broken. Not because of the money but because how can I (of all people) allow this to happen. Crushed at my inability to see what was right in front of my face. Generally I can and usually do but I was blinded.

As praise and worship was going on the tears started flowing. Pastor Rob and choir sang some songs that broke the barriers that I had up and the tears were flowing. I was hurting; hurting beyond belief. Completely disappointed and mad at myself for allowing myself to get into this situation.

As service proceeded the tears kept flowing and flowing. Then came time for the Alter Call. Not wanting to go up in front of everyone in the church I stood in my place crying and feeling like I should be up there but could not move. But my friend said we can go to Pastor Darla once service is over and she will pray for you. I didn’t think she would speak to me at the end of service; why would she I thought, I’m not a member of the church. But my friend walked me up there and introduced me to her and to my surprise Pastor Darla was so kind and sweet. Her smile was warming and inviting. So I broke down again and she asked if I was saved. I told her yes but it was so long ago and I backslid. She then proceeded to say the prayer of Salvation with me and then she prayed for me. She hugged me and I felt a weight come off of me but the tears were still flowing. Pastor Darla then took me over to Mrs. Cheryl. Mrs. Cheryl took my information down and spoke with me for a little while and then proceeded to give me her number to call if I ever need to talk. Mrs. Cheryl and Pastor Darla don’t know this but THEY TRULY HELPED ME THAT DAY. Of course I didn’t see it then but now I know that they were being used by God to lead me down a path focused on HIM.

I cannot quite remember what I did after church that day but I know I read the pamphlets in which I received from the church and the book of John over the next few days. Mrs. Cheryl checked on me throughout the week to make sure I was reading and to her surprise I was just about done with John. I am not sure if she informed me of the Catechism class or someone else at the church but I was told about the class. It was going in on its second week but they allowed me to join late. And of course since I was penniless I had no money to cover it but they allowed me to pay in installments, in which I did.

I jumped into church and learning all I could about God HEAD FIRST. Only He could save me from me and what I was feeling. So I started reading my Bible. I was going to my Catechism class then service right after. I was gaining so much information and craved for more. So I continued to read, continued to study, started praying consistently, and then wanted to help others but in a way pleasing to God. Which is why I started this blog. Writing helped me because I allowed God to use me and speak through me. I stopped focusing on me and my situation and began to FOCUS: FAITH Over Cultural and Universal Strong-holds. I continuously prayed and cried out to the Lord with regards to me and my situations but I stopped allowing this to be a burden for me and I sought Him out more and more. To the point where people started asking me to pray for them or meet with them to talk about church and God.

I am a work in progress BUT I can say my life is FOREVER CHANGED. I let go of habits in which I know were hindering me from growing in my walk. I changed what I was allowing into my spirit (musically and visually). I am now allowing my life to show my beliefs. I tithe faithfully (I used to have a problem with this). I teach my kids about the Lord and all of His Greatness and Mercy. I have PEACE with my situation and truly FEEL and KNOW I could not have gotten through this without GOD leading, guiding, and loving me. He has carried me through it all.

He has drawn not only me to HIS righteousness but my son, mom, and more recently my daughter. Through me I hope he continue to show HIS greatness and others realize that HE IS ALL YOU NEED. Nothing of this world can be as FULFILLING as HIM.

So now, April 25, I can honestly say I have the PEACE, FREEDOM, and CONFIDENCE to share my story. God has truly blessed me. I no longer owe the bank, I am caught up with every bill I have that was behind due to this unfortunate event, and my accounts are in a SURPLUS! God has truly blessed me. And I am NEVER going back to the wickedness of the world or changing who God is transforming me to be. My heart is kinder but my discernment is WAY up, my ways have and continue to be changed according to His doctrine, my words are kinder but I am still being worked on here (I am learning to speak facts with the LOVE of God behind them), my love has increased for not only myself but others I encounter, and I have forgiven the person who did this (but one thing for sure is I will never forget). GOD TRULY SAVED ME FROM ME!

My Message to those reading: Don’t wait until everything is crumbling before you give yourself over to the LORD. He LOVES you and only wants to guide you and lead you to the way of FREEDOM, PEACE, and LOVE. He will forgive you for whatever you may have done in the past so there is no need to wait until you stop doing this or that.

If he draws you near to Jesus and you believe sincerely in your heart that Jesus died for our sins and you then confess your sins to Him and ask for forgiveness, He will forgive you. God is a God of Mercy and Grace. HE LOVES YOU!

If He can do it for me He can do it for you too.

~ Livingwithpurpose720

April 25, 2016 5

You ARE Enough!

About a year ago, I wrote the below poem. Never meant to be a poem it was more of a passage based off of my observation of society and how women, in specific, are treated and how we as women sometimes conform to the societal norm or either to the desires of a man who is NOT her husband.

There are several ways in which we as women can sometimes lose sight of ourselves and our purpose however God’s Word says WE ALL (man/woman/social class) were created in His image, Genesis 1:27, so why is it we as women allow ourselves to not be who God has destined us to be versus being what we THINK we should be because of society and the male species?

And this can go the other way as well because there are some men out there who conforms to what society has destined them to be versus being the MAN God has created them to be.

When you look at a woman what do you see?
Do you see the big butt as she turns around or her voluptuous breasts as she walks slowly towards you
Do you see the slight glimmer in her eye that says he is fine or the way she bites her lip as she slowly passes you by
Do you see the way she flips her hair to take another peak as you watch her silhouette fade away
Once she is gone you think about that moment when you first saw her and think that chick was bad and she wanted me
But if u rewind time and take it back to where it started
When you look at a woman what do you see?
That big butt that she went to the Dominican Republic to buy because she hates her God given butt or do you see the breast implants in which she got because a man told her she would make money with them
Do you see the glimmer in her eyes that shows the desperate need for approval from a man
Or do you see the busted lip she is biting because a man decided to punch her in the lip for not listening and abiding to his every word
Did you notice the hair flip as she passed you by that is helping her walk with confidence so you will not detect or notice all her insecurities
Do you see as she looks back at you a woman broken by society and men who just wanted to take from her and break her
Do you see your daughter walking in these shoes one day
When you look at a woman what do you see?

Geared more towards a man looking at a woman however you can look at this from woman looking at a man perspective as well.

Unfortunately with the constant rise of reality television, technology, and social media people have lost so much of themselves that they no longer truly know who they are, what they believe and like, and WHO they should be serving.

I am not going to lie, I am a faithful viewer of SOME reality shows. Shows like The Bachelor, Real Housewives of Atlanta, and more recently Mary Mary. I have watched some of the other shows like Love & Hip Hop and Basketball Wives and I can tell you I truly enjoyed them UNTIL I was awakened and my blinders came off. I gave myself to the Lord the second Sunday of January 2016 and made the commitment to truly follow Him and walk with Him. I continued watching the shows about, maybe, 2 more weeks but every time I watched I looked at the image being portrayed by SOME of the cast members of these shows and realized this is NOT what I want to feed into my spirit.

Technology, where do I start with this, is GREAT don’t get me wrong BUT due to technology people have lost a sense of reality. They’ve lost the concept of what it is truly meant for and that is to make the lives of people using it much easier. But, has this convenience become an INCONVENIENCE for God? My opinion, YES! How many people actually open God’s Word from the greatest book ever to be written? How many people can say they actually carry their Bible with them to church or bible study? How many people actually READ the word versus listening to it being read to them.

I am huge on technology and can say I too am GUILTY of all of the above and I am not saying it is wrong at all. However, what I am saying is reading from your tablet or phone, is not the same. And, listening to the Bible versus actually READING his Word, is not the same. For the last few nights (yes I am very new to this as well) I have been bouncing from my physical Bible and my online Bibles listening as well as reading to see which gives me the most understanding and I have found that for me personally, I can truly FEEL His Word sinking into my spirit when I am actually READING His Word versus when I am just listening to it. So for me, and I am sure there are others, to truly get an understanding that I can reflect back into my own life I HAVE to read versus just listening.

Lastly, social media. Such a great tool for networking, meeting up with old friends, and reconnecting with long lost family – what would we do without it 🙂. Nonetheless, there are some dark sides to social media. Social media allows people to be something they are not, live in a world they do not live in, and idolize images and people that should NOT be idolized, Exodus 20:3-4. Some even idolize themselves not knowing that they are doing it because they do not know, do not have a relationship with God, or is not a true believer. Some people also uses social media as a form of acceptance or assurance. Why do you need the approval of mankind when God is waiting for you to seek His approval?

In theory, we all have our times when we allow distractions to come in and set our entire path off course however YOU SHOULD NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF WHO YOU ARE IN GOD! He is the ONLY judge, approver, and condemner so you do NOT have to lose who God intended you to be for the approval of man – that’s man OR woman.

~livingwithpurpose720

March 17, 2016 17

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: