I’m Addicted

I’m addicted to your sweet aroma

I’m addicted to the sense of peace I feel when you and I connect

I’m addicted to your taste (though it’s not the most pleasant)

I’m addicted to what I thought made me cool

Until I realized, my addiction made me look like a fool

Every time I’m in your presence and take in your sweet aroma, you give me a piercing headache

The shame I felt around others, the paranoia and racing thoughts, the fear of this shameful secret getting out

I became the face of ignorance, why would I bring myself so much pain

Because, I WAS ADDICTED

Addicted to the person you brought forth. One without any inhibitions and not afraid to speak her mind

I depended on you for the boldness within to come sprinting out but in all actuality all I needed was GOD

If anything you were hindering me. Blocking my blessings and way

Preventing me from reaching new levels within my spiritual walk

I had to divorce you…you were not helping me but hindering and hurting me

Keeping me from seeing the true Light of this world

I WAS ADDICTED

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.”

~ Psalms‬ ‭51:10-12‬ ‭KJV‬‬

One night I sat on the couch and wrote this out. Feeling ashamed of my life at that time. Unhappy with the person I saw in the mirror but knew something had to change.

Whenever I started to feel like my life was becoming more than I could bear I always went to my safe place. A place where I knew there was love and food to devour. You may be thinking a family members’ house for dinner or some sort of restaurant. No, not at all. My food came from the House of God. My spiritual nourishment and direction. I was missing my daily bread and feedings because I had turned my back on the one person who would never leave nor forsake me, GOD!

It’s crazy because it is so true what they say about when you turn your back on God. He will give you the room and space to make your own choices and you will start to build separation between the Holy Spirit and yourself.

I was there in that space trying to figure out how I got so far off of my path. I allowed the influences of this world to seep into the cracks of my life until I was completely broken. Something had to change….

I found myself back at church. Initially because I needed the spiritual nourishment in which the Word and Message offered. But then it turned into me feeling like my mom needed the spiritual nourishment, so I went out of obligation to her and wanting her to receive the Word of God.

But then something happen…the Spirit kept speaking to me and drawing me back to Him. My heart, filled with pain and sorrow, started to RECEIVE the love only He can provide. I started to cast all of my hurt, worry, and anxiety onto Him. I began praying more, worshiping more, writing to Him more, and talking with Him more. I began trusting and believing in Him more. I became more vulnerable to Him.

I am still on this journey with Him but I can say that EVERYDAY I fall more in love with the One true love of my life and heart. He is healing me from the inside out. And for this, I’m thankful for the addiction or shall I say addictions of my life. They pushed me closer to the LOVE OF MY LIFE which enabled me to let go of the addictions and focus more on Him and His Devine plan for this life in which I am living.

To God be the Glory!

”And I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.”

~ Jeremiah‬ ‭24:7‬‬

~ Livingwithpurpose720

August 16, 2018 0

HE has done SO MUCH for me!

For the last 6 months I was taking an “Understanding God” class in which Faith Temple Church, http://www.faithtemple.net, offers and I can say my life has changed. The class itself presented a challenge to me due to the cold winter early mornings and late night homework sessions. However, I can say I am extremely happy that I remained dedicated to building a solid foundation that has left me wanting and craving more.

Towards the end of the class we were asked to write our testimonies about what the class has done for us, our experience with each foundation stone in which we covered , and how our life has changed since taking the class. As I wrote my testimony about the class, I wrote from my heart and was completely open with regards to everything the class has taught me and how The Lord was working within my heart and life. I wrote my testimony not thinking it would ever go beyond the group leader’s hands but then a few days before the banquet I was asked to read my testimony aloud in front of everyone. Anyone who knows me knows that public speaking is a fear of mine but now that I think about it….a week or so prior someone in the choir gave me a scripture to read after practice, Psalm 27:1, look how God works 🙂

I never knew how hard it would be to openly speak about your personal journey and what The Lord has done for you PERSONALLY until I did it. The fear of putting my personal life out there for all to see, the thought of going back to that place of hurt in front of a room full of strangers, but then the JOY of being able to say I overcame my situation while learning so much more than I expected.

As I stood up there so many emotions were flowing through me and the tears were streaming down my face. My eyes were so full of tears that I could barely see, I had to stop talking several times, and there were times when I felt like I just could not do it and I actually verbally said it. But through all of it everyone in the room was so kind and patient with me. Once I was done and the banquet was over, Mrs. Chennetta said “your testimony was for someone here” so that right there made me feel a lot better (I was still FULL of emotion) because if you have read through my blogs or know me personally, you would know my want is to help others through my words and / or experiences.

So, with that being said, I am posting my testimony for all to see. Hopefully through my testimony you will see HIS greatness, how HE cares for His children, how He only want the best for you. I truly believe that a foundation with The Lord has been laid and NOTHING or NO ONE is going to take me from it.

I pray that your spiritual eyes are opened and you see HIM.

Walking into Catechism I did not know what to expect. I came into the class feeling completely BROKEN and I didn’t know what this class was going to be like or how it would change my life.

Now when I say broken I mean COMPLETELY BROKEN (from my own point of view). I had someone who I thought I could trust basically take advantage of my kind heart and steal thousands of dollars from me in which I had to pay the bank back. SO not only was I out of the little money I did have saved up but now I had to pay the bank back the thousands of extra dollars that was withdrawn from my account. I had bills that were paid coming back NSF, including my mortgage. I had no money for food and I had no one to turn to because I am such a private person. Even the one person that was closest to me was not there for me in the way that I expected her to be. So I had hit my rock bottom and I knew there was nowhere else to turn but to God. So the week prior (January 10) I had received Salvation and turned my life over to The Lord and was told about the Catechism class and how it would be good for me to join. Not knowing how I would pay for the class I was a little on the fence but then I was told that they would accept my payment in installments, so that is what I did.

Every Sunday we would go over the 66 books of the Bible, The Ten Commandments, the Foundation Stones, the Student Confession, and the Apostles’ Creed. As we recited this information it was being etched into my heart. All of this is GREAT and AMAZING information to learn and know and have instilled into your life HOWEVER the one line “I have self-worth and value because Jesus loves me and that makes me somebody” really touched me and helped me because I was feeling so very low at the time. I was mad at myself as well as the guy who did this to me and truly felt like a fool for trusting someone who could do this to not only me but my kids because I am responsible for them; so this affected them as well.

As the class continued on I was actually learning so very much about The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit and I was shocked at myself because of my dedication to this class. I had even let go of my full-time school schedule because I could not handle work, school, kids, and now Catechism all at once. I felt that my focus had to be on this class and learning about my Father, so that is what I did. I put all of my focus on Him and I feel that this was the best thing for me to do. During the class and even outside of the class I was learning about who He is and the importance of trusting Him. This class enhanced my curiosity so I started reading His Word more than just the daily verses but I didn’t stop at that I got a study Bible that would break down different verses so that I had a good understanding of what I was reading. I started asking other believers questions to help me break certain things down on top of researching different things for better understanding. But inside I still had a slight feeling of discouragement and hurt. So I thought to myself, what do I have to do to break this feeling. But then as we proceeded on with the class we were discussing the things God sees as sin. So I started to dismiss some of the things that I felt was causing me to sin or what was sin. And I started to feel better little by little. And then I was inspired to start writing. I started a blog focused on Him and long behold I started to feel a little more at peace.

And then came the Water Baptism. Walking into the baptism I did not know what to expect BUT I was excited. As I stood there praising and worshiping with the other candidates for baptism I started to watch the trees sway back and forth. I sang and swayed back and forth with them not knowing that the Holy Spirit can come in the form of wind as well. So I definitely believe and felt that even without me knowing His presence was definitely in the building. I walked up the stairs to the little tub and sat down on the seat, Pastor Mark said “you look like you are readyJ” then he said a short prayer and dumped me under. As I rose back up from the water I felt that everything of my past was left in that water and I came up a new person under God. He cleansed me of my sin and past and now I was free to live according to His will. I felt vibrant and covered by His love, grace, and mercy. Mrs. Laverne told me when I got out, “you are glowing.” That was an AWESOME experience in which I was so proud of myself for taking the step to accomplish.

As the class continued on, I started to learn about the Holy Spirit. I can admit before we started learning about the Holy Spirit I didn’t know much about Him and that caused me to doubt His existence. But then during catechism, I learned that He is real and He was sent to us by the Father and Son as our comforter and He lives within me. I am still learning about Him today but I can now say that HE IS REAL and He will check me when I need to be checked. After learning about Him it was time for the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. So once more I was standing in line praising and worshiping. Mrs. Laverne came over to pray with me. As we were praying something happened and a wall was shattered. Tears started flowing from my eyes, sobs came out my mouth, and then something hit me and it was powerful. My cries got harder and my mouth was moving faster than normal and unfamiliar words were coming out my mouth and they seemed to be non-stop. I felt weak and I have lost control over my body (my knees started to get weak – slowly but surely I was kneeling down to the floor) and mouth. It seemed like I could hear several of the pastor’s voices in the room praying for me. This went on for I don’t know how long then it subsided and Pastor Genny asked me “how do you feel” and I responded “overwhelmed” because I never experienced anything like that before. I am use to being in control of my mouth, body, and tears but at that moment I had lost ALL CONTROL. Mrs. Laverne said to me “you just spoke in tongues” so from that moment on I KNEW THAT THE HOLY SPIRIT IS REAL.

Catechism and Faith Temple has changed my life forever. I am a true believer of God and I am and will continue to live my life according to His will. I have made major changes in my life and they can be seen by everyone. I am not the person I use to be. I AM A CHILD OF GOD and He is my head and I will do as He tells me to do. I no longer live by my will because my will have now become HIS will. This class has taught and is continuing to teach me about his love, grace, and mercy. Every day I feel as if I am being drawn closer and closer to Him and for that I am FOREVER grateful to all of the teachers of the class as well as the group leaders. They have taught me so much and I am excited to continue to learn about the Lord.

~Livingwithpurpose720

June 23, 2016 2

Let Us Serve With HUMILITY

This post has been on my spirit since the Sunday before last and The Holy Spirit has been prompting me everyday since then with signs to get it out so here goes 🙂

On that day I went into catechism class and the lesson for that day was the washing of one another’s’ feet. Now, weeks prior I knew that this lesson was coming up and when it was first mentioned I was a little against the idea. I had no desire to wash someone else’s feet. That is something that I have never thought I would be comfortable doing. So as the weeks passed prior to that specific day I consistently thought about this lesson but (I am ashamed to say) never looked it up within the Bible to learn about its significance. However, that Saturday before class I read John 13. I studied this within the study Bible and researched foot washing to gather a better understanding. So when I got to class that Sunday I knew the importance of this act of service but I did not know the feeling I would feel during the actual foot washing.

For those who are not familiar with John 13, see below:

Jesus Washes His Disciples’ Feet

John 13:1-17

It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.

²The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. ³Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; ⁴so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. ⁵After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

⁶He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”

⁷Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

⁸“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”

Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”

⁹“Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”

¹⁰Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” ¹¹For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.

¹²When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. ¹³“You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. ¹⁴Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. ¹⁶Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

After reading this, researching, and going through the lesson with Pastor Genny I realized this is more than just washing someone’s feet. This is a humbling experience. An experience that would teach one to serve one another as Jesus has served and continues to serve us.

As I washed my classmate’s feet and prayed over her my heart softened (not saying it was ever hardened) towards her and her life. I had a compassion for her as if I was caring for myself or my kiddies. I wanted nothing but greatness for her and her family as well as future plans in life. I wanted God to bless her all the days of her life and prayed that she has discernment when dealing with everyday life. Then as she washed my feet and prayed over me I continued to pray for her but more intensely. She had truly become my sister under Christ.

Now some may be thinking, as I did previously, “NOPE this is something I cannot do and will not ever do” BUT do you realize Jesus was the one washing the disciples feet? Jesus washed ALL 12 disciples feet, this includes Judas, his betrayer. Jesus was nothing but good to Judas and he turned around and betrayed Him. Now prior to washing Judas’ feet Jesus was aware of his betrayal to come, John 13:2, yet He still washed his feet and loved him to the very end.

So what does that mean for us? Are we to go around just washing feet with no substance behind it and filled with resentment for the act, NO. The meaning of this sacrament is to humble yourself. Serve one another according to God’s will and with HUMILITY. This sacrament is to cleanse ones’ spirit and love on one another. EVEN THOSE WHO WE FEEL IS BENEATH or HAS BETRAYED US. John 13:8 says “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”

So as Christians, though this sacrament is not practiced regularly within some churches, this is still a sacrament of God. He wants us to be able to serve others and serve them with the Love of God within us. Never feel that you are above this act or any other act of service because God judges your heart. Cleanse your heart of the pride within because one of the things God do not like is a prideful heart. And, how can you be a part of his kingdom with that thorn of pride sticking out?

~Livingwithpurpose720

June 7, 2016 8

Rock Bottom…BUT, He Saved Me!

A while ago I started a blog that brought me so much anxiety that I stopped writing and didn’t know if I would ever be able to get back to it. What I had started HAD to be finished because God prompted me to write this story and it was THE ONLY thing God placed within me to get out.

Now a few weeks later I’m able to get back to writing with the confidence to get my story out and pray that it helps at least one.

So here goes nothing…

“I’M GOING TO HAVE TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM BEFORE I REALIZE I CANNOT DO IT WITHOUT HIM”.

Over the last few days I have been on the fence with regards to what to write about. Of course I had several ideas but nothing solid, except, this one story. Which is more or less MY TESTIMONY.

Of course, when it comes to writing about ourselves there is a fear that is associated with it (well I can only speak for myself) but I have to remind myself of 2 Timothy 1:7.

Scripture proceeds on to say “never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord…”, 2 Timothy 1:8.

So with that being said here is my story which truly only goes back about 6 months but for me, IT CHANGED MY WORLD.

Around October or November of 2015 I was coming out of a bad “relationship” (that a whole other story in itself) that left me drained mentally and emotionally. At this time all I knew is I had to get out of it and I had to get out NOW. I felt that if I did not I would lose everything I worked hard to obtain and not just materialistic or monetary items.

I was out of the relationship but still trapped by the situation because I still had that strong hold over me. So I would go to my friend house and she would have her gospel blaring and she would watch various sermons on TV, mainly Joyce Meyers. We then started watching various Biblical movies on a daily basis. She basically re-introduced me to my Father in which I was trying to become re-acquianted with but also run away from. I wasn’t completely ready to face Him yet but oh did He have plans for me.

As I sat on her couch one day I said to her, “God is going to make me hit rock bottom before I realize I cannot live this life without Him”. Let’s just say I WAS RIGHT!

Into my life comes someone who I knew was trouble from the beginning because he did not believe in Jesus Christ but I ignored that because I thought he was a cool person outside of that, never ignore the voice within, the Spirit tries to warn us but if we are unaware of who He is you won’t pay attention. Though you may not know where this feeling or voice is coming from there is a reason you are hearing it.

Now just a little background about me before I get to the next part. For years I had been a selfish person but over the last 10 years I learned to be more caring, compassionate, and willing to help. So with that being said, I have grown to have a caring heart and is willing to go out of my way to help anyone who has an issue or problem. I think having kids and being around different people and seeing different things softened me and changed my point of view on helping.

So with regards to this person, we were hanging out quite frequently and nothing more than that. However one day he came to me with a story that touched my heart and my heart felt sorrow and compassion for his situation. Not to mention it was around Christmas so I truly felt bad for him so I wanted to help.

Against my initial thoughts I did what he was asking me to do AFTER being told by the one bank that if everything does not go right I will owe the bank the monies back; not hundreds but thousands. After this I had a conversation with him and said “if this is not a good check please say that now, don’t mess me over because I have 2 kids and A LOT of responsibility”. He gave me his word that everything is good and I have nothing to worry about, he would never do that to someone. So we went to another bank and deposited the check. It then cleared and I proceeded to give him the money because it was his (so I thought).

A few days later I checked my account and I was in the negative by thousands. I was distraught to say the least and he conveniently disappeared. I did not know what to do I was so hurt, mad at him but EVEN madder at myself. I was completely upset with myself for not paying attention to my gut, for opening myself up to even allow that to happen to me, and because I KNOW I am generally smarter than that.

I went to the bank and I went to the police; yet the bank could not do anything and neither could the Rochester police. So I went out to Gates where it actually happened and the Gates police put together a report for me. However it is now the end of April and they still have no results, smh. However back to the story….

So that week was one of the worse of my life to the point where I had to have my mom come stay with me a couple of days. I had a couple of panic attacks because I was such a worrier already and this had pushed me over. I was so mad at myself and beat myself up minute by minute, hour by hour. I was so upset and mad and then on top of that everything I had thought I paid was coming back to me as NSF. Bills were piling up, bank debt adding up, and no money to pay it. I felt hopeless like I was living in a nightmare. I had HIT THAT ROCK BOTTOM I HAD SPOKE ABOUT a month or so before. Nothing like this has ever happened to me and I did not know what to do.

I felt alone, abandoned, hurt, disappointed, and just completely crushed with everything going on. Not only did I have these issues going on I felt like those closest to me had disappeared. But in all actuality, I didn’t open up really to them about what was going on (except one and that was very limited). They had no clue I was slipping into depression mode. They just knew that Toya didn’t “have time” to see us. But they did not know I was in the house sulking in my own misery. I had no one to go to for help and with nowhere to turn, so I WENT TO CHURCH with the encouragement of my friend!

That Sunday, January 10, 2016, I walked into Faith Temple broken, completely broken. Not because of the money but because how can I (of all people) allow this to happen. Crushed at my inability to see what was right in front of my face. Generally I can and usually do but I was blinded.

As praise and worship was going on the tears started flowing. Pastor Rob and choir sang some songs that broke the barriers that I had up and the tears were flowing. I was hurting; hurting beyond belief. Completely disappointed and mad at myself for allowing myself to get into this situation.

As service proceeded the tears kept flowing and flowing. Then came time for the Alter Call. Not wanting to go up in front of everyone in the church I stood in my place crying and feeling like I should be up there but could not move. But my friend said we can go to Pastor Darla once service is over and she will pray for you. I didn’t think she would speak to me at the end of service; why would she I thought, I’m not a member of the church. But my friend walked me up there and introduced me to her and to my surprise Pastor Darla was so kind and sweet. Her smile was warming and inviting. So I broke down again and she asked if I was saved. I told her yes but it was so long ago and I backslid. She then proceeded to say the prayer of Salvation with me and then she prayed for me. She hugged me and I felt a weight come off of me but the tears were still flowing. Pastor Darla then took me over to Mrs. Cheryl. Mrs. Cheryl took my information down and spoke with me for a little while and then proceeded to give me her number to call if I ever need to talk. Mrs. Cheryl and Pastor Darla don’t know this but THEY TRULY HELPED ME THAT DAY. Of course I didn’t see it then but now I know that they were being used by God to lead me down a path focused on HIM.

I cannot quite remember what I did after church that day but I know I read the pamphlets in which I received from the church and the book of John over the next few days. Mrs. Cheryl checked on me throughout the week to make sure I was reading and to her surprise I was just about done with John. I am not sure if she informed me of the Catechism class or someone else at the church but I was told about the class. It was going in on its second week but they allowed me to join late. And of course since I was penniless I had no money to cover it but they allowed me to pay in installments, in which I did.

I jumped into church and learning all I could about God HEAD FIRST. Only He could save me from me and what I was feeling. So I started reading my Bible. I was going to my Catechism class then service right after. I was gaining so much information and craved for more. So I continued to read, continued to study, started praying consistently, and then wanted to help others but in a way pleasing to God. Which is why I started this blog. Writing helped me because I allowed God to use me and speak through me. I stopped focusing on me and my situation and began to FOCUS: FAITH Over Cultural and Universal Strong-holds. I continuously prayed and cried out to the Lord with regards to me and my situations but I stopped allowing this to be a burden for me and I sought Him out more and more. To the point where people started asking me to pray for them or meet with them to talk about church and God.

I am a work in progress BUT I can say my life is FOREVER CHANGED. I let go of habits in which I know were hindering me from growing in my walk. I changed what I was allowing into my spirit (musically and visually). I am now allowing my life to show my beliefs. I tithe faithfully (I used to have a problem with this). I teach my kids about the Lord and all of His Greatness and Mercy. I have PEACE with my situation and truly FEEL and KNOW I could not have gotten through this without GOD leading, guiding, and loving me. He has carried me through it all.

He has drawn not only me to HIS righteousness but my son, mom, and more recently my daughter. Through me I hope he continue to show HIS greatness and others realize that HE IS ALL YOU NEED. Nothing of this world can be as FULFILLING as HIM.

So now, April 25, I can honestly say I have the PEACE, FREEDOM, and CONFIDENCE to share my story. God has truly blessed me. I no longer owe the bank, I am caught up with every bill I have that was behind due to this unfortunate event, and my accounts are in a SURPLUS! God has truly blessed me. And I am NEVER going back to the wickedness of the world or changing who God is transforming me to be. My heart is kinder but my discernment is WAY up, my ways have and continue to be changed according to His doctrine, my words are kinder but I am still being worked on here (I am learning to speak facts with the LOVE of God behind them), my love has increased for not only myself but others I encounter, and I have forgiven the person who did this (but one thing for sure is I will never forget). GOD TRULY SAVED ME FROM ME!

My Message to those reading: Don’t wait until everything is crumbling before you give yourself over to the LORD. He LOVES you and only wants to guide you and lead you to the way of FREEDOM, PEACE, and LOVE. He will forgive you for whatever you may have done in the past so there is no need to wait until you stop doing this or that.

If he draws you near to Jesus and you believe sincerely in your heart that Jesus died for our sins and you then confess your sins to Him and ask for forgiveness, He will forgive you. God is a God of Mercy and Grace. HE LOVES YOU!

If He can do it for me He can do it for you too.

~ Livingwithpurpose720

April 25, 2016 5

Share this:

Share this:

Jesus Washes His Disciples’ Feet

Share this:

Share this: